Disappointment

Every month, a professional body I'm registered with sends out a magazine. Every month, it goes straight to the recycling bin. This month, as is often the case, the cover highlighted an article within, which appeared to be promoting a particular lifestyle choice. In what is published, and in what they most often choose to highlight, I detect a degree of ideological bias.

When we train as therapists, we attend personal therapy ourselves. One reason for this is to have the experience of being a client. Another reason might be to identify any biases or prejudices we hold, so that we are able to minimise their impact on our work with clients. One value I hold particularly strongly as a therapist is that it is not our job to tell clients how to live their lives. Our job is often to help the client live a life that is more in line with their values. We might examine those values with the client, and question whether holding those values is helpful to them. Ideally, we step away from telling a client that the way they live is right or wrong.

When I saw the headline on the cover of the magazine, the anger started to build. It really didn't sit right with me that a professional body for therapists was implying that a particular lifestyle choice was to be promoted. However, as I've done a lot of training on anger recently, I looked at the irrational beliefs that were fuelling the anger. Those beliefs were:

1. They absolutely MUST NOT do this.
2. They are BAD PEOPLE for doing this.

Looking at those beliefs now, they are quite disturbing to me. Not only to they fuel anger, as my recent training on anger tells me - they are suggestive of authoritarian tendencies. As Carl Jung once said, if we see something we find unacceptable in others, we would profit from asking what it tells us about ourselves. I'm paraphrasing, of course, but the point stands. In the darker recesses of my personality are authoritarian tendencies. These are not something that is apparent in my work with clients, but are certainly present in the circumstances where I have felt anger.

Being aware of the things we don't like about ourselves is the start. The people who most concern me are those who are not aware of, or outright deny, their shortcomings. If I were to tell you, for example, I have always acted out of kindness, you would probably tell me that this is impossible - no one ALWAYS acts out of kindness. You might also say that my inability to recognise my capacity for cruelty (which we all have) worried you.

How then, can we reverse engineer those irrational, worryingly authoritarian beliefs? What could replace those beliefs? According to my recent training, identifying the initial feeling that was amplified to anger by irrational thoughts is the key. So, how would I label that initial feeling, before it got out of control and morphed into anger? An organisation that represents therapists aligned itself with values I believe are contrary to the spirit of what therapy aims to achieve. I was disappointed in them. If we remove the irrational MUST NOT and BAD PEOPLE thoughts, then one way we could reframe our beliefs about the situation is:

1. They did something I didn't like.
2. I feel disappointed.
   

The thoughts don't have to go beyond this. Notice that it is the behaviour that I didn't like, rather than the irrational belief that the behaviour makes the person inherently bad. Also, the irrational belief that they absolutely must meet the conditions that I impose on myself as a therapist has gone. In its place is a simple acknowledgement that I felt disappointed.

The one I love arguably noticed all of this before I did. When I was driving her to the airport, she noticed that I reacted with anger to what I saw as the inconsiderate behaviour of other drivers. She pointed out the futility of shouting and cursing at drivers who were unable to hear me. She said that, as she was the one in the car with me, my anger was only being felt by her, and it scared her.

She is not a counsellor but, after listening to what made me angry about the other drivers' behaviour, she suggested an alternative way of dealing with it. She gave me an expression in her native language which translates simply as:

"Look! Naughty!"

Before I even started the recent training on anger, the one I love was already one step ahead. I don't know if she was aware of it, but she was giving a lesson on how to reframe anger as disappointment.

Right now, I'm disappointed with myself. Without noticing, I had been having thoughts that were irrationally authoritarian. Thankfully, I have the opportunity to do better from this point forward. Awareness of the problem is the first step. Rather than blaming and shaming myself over this, it feels better to use what the the one I love suggested:

"Look! Naughty!"

It's an acknowledgement that, while there are things that could be improved, I am not wholly bad. None of us are perfect, but we can always aim to be better. I read the highlighted article, and other parts of the magazine - it is now in the recycling bin.

A prayer from one afflicted

Lord, I ask for your guidance and protection this day.

I am aware of my shortcomings as a human being,

and I pray that they are not exploited.

Rather, I ask that you enable me to use any strengths I might have,

to act according to your plan for me, Lord.

May I conduct myself with humility and restraint,

with courage and compassion in my heart.

I pray that those who see me, hear me, think or speak of me this day,

do so with your presence in their hearts.

If any deficiencies of character may cause others to act against me,

I pray that I am able to forgive them.

Amen.

Acceptance of what may come

It was three degrees this morning. A neighbour had decided that six o'clock was the right time to loudly play some hard dance music. When the alarm sounded at seven, I was already awake. Frost covered the roofs of buildings and cars. For the second morning in a row, I said a prayer asking for God's protection throughout the day.

I went for a walk before breakfast. It was still dark outside, but the way was lit by the piercing white LED street lights the local council apparently favours. An advertisement on a bus shelter caught my attention, as it seemed to carry a subliminal message which went against some of my core beliefs and made me feel decidedly uncomfortable.

After a while, the sky to the east became yellow, punctuated by horizontal lines of pink clouds. A deep blue spread overhead, slowly becoming a lighter, paler blue. There was some frost on the ground, but thankfully there were no slips. I reached the relatively quiet place where I practise karate and tai chi, when time permits. Two jackdaws perched on the roof of an old, disused stone building let out a few caws as they watched. The problems of the week faded from memory for a little while.

As I started the day by praying for God's protection, you might say I hold some beliefs that go against the current norms of the society in which I live. Those beliefs, however, are largely responsible for the empathy, consideration and respect that I have for others. Those beliefs include a non-judgemental attitude which allows me to more easily tolerate things in the world that go against my values, with neither approval nor condemnation.

Earlier in the week, there had been sadness and anger. The prayers for God's protection have had those feelings in mind as something from which protection is needed. Sadness can easily turn to despair, and anger to fury, especially given time to grow. I would judge no one for feeling these emotions, but it's important to be aware of the potential long-term effects they may have on us. It is, of course, impossible to avoid ever feeling sad or angry, but we can always learn how we might better manage these emotions.

It was during the coronavirus pandemic that I connected with my faith again. When the option of going to a church was taken away, I really wanted to go to church. It was a time where we all became a little more aware of the way our governments function, and the decisions they make on our behalf. There were many who used that time, when they essentially had a captive audience, to shape how we thought, felt and acted. Choosing to reconnect with my faith felt to some extent like an act of rebellion.

In the afternoon, I spent some time with three other people who have autism spectrum conditions. It was pleasant enough, though the food and drink in the coffee shop they had chosen as a meeting place was shockingly expensive.

Tomorrow may be more of a challenge. It's not something I can talk about here, but there's the potential for things to happen which may lead to more feelings of sadness and anger. I will pray for God's protection once more.

Injury

It's karate tonight. Unfortunately, I seem to be losing interest in it. Going with strained quadriceps that don't quite seem to have healed probably won't help matters. Learning other things in my spare time might be affecting my motivation too.

The particular way in which my ASD affects me means that more effort has to be put into learning a new physical skill or movement. Solo practice, away from the class, becomes more important. I no longer have the time that I once had for that, or maybe that's just an excuse. I seem to find the time to practise tai chi quite easily.

Maybe it's not the quadriceps injury, but another kind of injury. It's six months since my mother died. Apart from when I've been working with clients, where my mood is always relatively neutral, my mood has been quite low. Grief may not be a physical injury, but it feels like an injury nonetheless.

Manchester Airport at night

There's a rail strike. I hadn't accounted for that. There are also no hotel rooms available at a reasonable price. This all means that I'm spending the night in an airport. It's October, but I've managed to find a spot that's relatively warm. It's quiet here too. As I write, a young man is pushing a trolley with cleaning supplies around, pausing occasionally to mop spills and other unpleasant things from the floor.

A matter of hours ago, I was saying goodbye to the one I love. We both wish that we lived on the same strip of land, at the same address. Travelling back and forth is the current way of things though. I was thinking about this while on the bus, which would take me to the train, which would take me to another train, which would take me to the airport. I was thinking about how our lives change, and we change with them.

In counselling theory, we talk about configurations of self. Really, we reconfigure ourselves many times throughout our lives. It's tempting to think that our sense of who we are is constant. The truth is, we are changed by our interactions with others and the world around us. Sometimes our experience reconfigures us, forcefully, in so many ways that we question most of the things we believe about ourselves. We might find ourselves mourning the loss of who we once were. We may no longer be the same father, mother, brother, sister, friend, colleague or other.

A young man is now walking around with his phone in his pocket. The phone is playing old songs in French. Strangely, it seems to fit the atmosphere here.

Amy came into my life at a time when I was reconfiguring myself in many ways. Actually, that was something we had in common. It's something we still have in common. We're at a point where we understand each other enough to respect that the other is going through a process.

The man with the old French music is now sat just a short distance from me. I have to admit I'm enjoying the music - it seems to go well with the atmosphere of an airport in Northern England at night. The sound of it is echoing in this space, which makes it even more spectacular.

I used to hate airports. An airport is a place between here and there. When you're here, you're not really here; you're not there either. In your heart, you wish you were somewhere else, with someone else.

I've been in this country and away from this country enough to see it for what it is. Being back here, there's a sense of how wonderful and awful it is at the same time. Now, in the dark with the lights shining only in pristine, characterless rooms and corridors, it's easy to forget all of that for a while. It's not so easy to forget that I'm away from the one I love. She's probably sleeping now. I hope she sleeps well.

The young man with the old French music has gone. Maybe he has a flight to catch. Maybe I'll fill this space with the sounds of the old soul music I've been favouring recently. I'm lonely here right now. I guess I have to get used to that feeling again.

A Sincere Prayer

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy spirit...

Lord, I offer you my love, my prayers and my service.

I place my suffering before you this day, recognising that I suffer by straying from the path of righteousness.

I pray that you keep those I love safe and well, Lord, and that I am not a source of pain for them. Rather, I would like to be a source of comfort.

I ask forgiveness for the times I have trespassed against others.

May I offer compassion, forgiveness and mercy to those who have caused me pain. May I offer my service to those in need.

I pray that you deliver us from the evil of this world, which manipulates our thoughts, emotions, words and deeds. Let us not say and do evil things to each other.

At this time, Lord, I request special attention for the one I love sincerely. I ask for your blessing on our relationship, that it may continue and thrive through honest communication and understanding. I ask that, together, we have the strength to overcome current and future difficulties as a couple. I pray that she is safe and well, and that she is successful in her endeavours.

I pray, Lord, that I can be a man in whom she can have faith. To this end, I pray that the darkness which so often falls across my mind can be lifted. I pray for a healthy, loving relationship with her, and that we may be together soon.

Amen.

Forgiveness

I learned this morning that some people want to "cancel" Metallica. Apparently, the band's music has been discovered by a younger generation through a TV show. This prompted at least one person to obsessively search through the band's history and past performances to judge whether they were inherently righteous or evil. Some incidents from the past led to the band being judged as evil, and the current way of the world dictates that they must be destroyed.

If you're not well-versed in psychological theory, I will share something from the psychoanalytic school with you. All of us are good; we are also bad. We have the capacity for acts of kindness; we have the capacity for acts of cruelty. We must be very, very wary of anyone who is only aware of their supposed "virtue" and blissfully unaware of their dark side: they will commit despicable acts and still say that they are only capable of being virtuous. Be especially careful of those who most loudly proclaim that they are nothing but virtuous.

Hollywood has given us the notion of heroes and villains. We see black and white, rather than shades of grey. In psychoanalytic theory, this is known as psychological splitting - things have one property, and can not have a property which we see as contradictory to that property. We see ourselves as good or bad. We see others as good or bad. We are less capable of seeing ourselves or anyone else as good AND bad.

I can only guess what motivates someone to comb through a band's history, looking for reasons to despise and attempt to destroy them. It would seem that fear, hatred and anger are present as driving forces. What is absent in this and other manifestations of "cancel culture" is forgiveness. As the western world largely abandons Christianity, the Christian concept of forgiveness is also being abandoned. The new western ideology which is being touted as the new religion doesn't preach forgiveness.

Forgiveness isn't easy. Forgiveness requires a high level of emotional maturity. As schema therapy and other schools of therapy show us, however, there are circumstances in which each of us can find ourselves thinking, feeling and acting as we did as children. How this change comes about depends on our personal history. We should be clear about one thing, though: trying to destroy someone because they once said or did something we didn't like isn't a mature thing to do. As I said before, we are all good, but we are also bad.

There was a time when seeing and hearing examples of "cancel culture" provoked fear, hatred and anger in me. Now? I forgive them. It's better for me to concentrate on thinking, feeling and acting from courage, compassion and acceptance. This isn't so that others will see me as inherently good or virtuous - it is simply better for me and those I love if I think, feel and act in such a way. It also seems to be a path that leads us away from our internal suffering. My compassion, then, is for those who worship at the altar of "cancel culture" as well as those they target - as much as they hurt others, they hurt themselves.

What about Metallica? There was a time when musicians were deliberately provocative, pushing boundaries and wilfully going against the prescribed societal norms. Being as human as the rest of us, they sometimes made colossal errors of judgement. If we're saying that mistakes cannot be forgiven, with the passage of time, then we will be forever terrified to do anything which pushes the boundaries. Mediocrity and banality will become the norm. I would contend that the passage of time will judge "cancel culture" and its proponents poorly.

As the world moves further towards political polarisation, and away from any sense of being politically moderate, fear, hatred and anger are becoming more deeply entrenched within our psyche. I feel sad about this, and pray that we can do better, but accept that this is the way things are right now.