Reacting to a video in which a martial artist was testing himself against other martial artists, one person commented that the man in the video was playing "patty cake". The man in the video replied that the commenter had shown by his comment that he had not trained in martial arts. The commenter then went on to repeat his original criticism, adding that others who had been kinder in their responses didn't know as much about fighting as he did.
When I was younger, tact and diplomacy weren't strong points - it was only when I realised this, and worked on correcting it, that my interactions with others improved. The first step, however, was admitting that I was so often the cause of the problem. I didn't lack compassion or empathy, so the root of the problem was a mystery to begin with. After reading psychological, philosophical and spiritual works extensively, and reflecting on what I read, I had the answer - I hadn't learned healthy ways to express anger. The authors of those works have long been forgotten, but I'm grateful to them for so freely sharing their wisdom.
I won't go into great detail about my early years. The main point is that those close to me often pushed me to the point where anyone would probably feel angry. When the anger inevitably surfaced, the same people were quick to say that my anger was inappropriate and I had a problem. It's a story with which many people might be familiar. When those around us give the impression that our anger is unreasonable and maybe a little frightening, we learn to suppress it. Unfortunately, as Freud said, suppressing our feelings only gives them more power and means they will eventually reveal themselves in increasingly unhealthy ways. In terms of anger, there is a "pressure cooker" effect. People who have learned to suppress their anger will reach a point where all that suppressed anger can no longer be contained. The anger all comes out at once, and is not in proportion to the event which apparently provoked the outburst.
We would like to see ourselves as being without fault. As infants, we are unable to survive alone, so we learn that the goodwill and approval of others is necessary. As we get older, the approval of others is not so essential, but we would still like to have friends and maybe romantic partners. As much as is possible, we would like others to have a favourable impression of us. In reality though, we have no control over how others see us. How they see us is usually more about their beliefs, values and attitudes than anything we might do. Usually, but not always.
We are all prone to bias and prejudice. There are people we choose to be close to, and others we keep at a distance. Whether it's conscious or unconscious, we make decisions about what we want and don't want in a friendship or relationship. When things don't work out, however, we have to be honest with ourselves about the role we might have played in the distance that has grown between us and others.
The man who accused a martial artist of playing "patty cake" when he was sparring came across as angry. His comment suggested that he hits his own sparring partners hard. As a martial artist with many years of experience, I know all too well why this is wrong. It further suggests a problem with anger and a feeling that he has something to prove, much as his comments did. Maybe it's easier for me to spot because I've been where he is before.
When we are not in control of our ego, our ego has control over us. We suffer greatly because of this. Rather than having healthy boundaries, we become overly defensive. Things which are not personal attacks against us are perceived as such, and we might even go on the attack against those we unreasonably see as a threat to our sense of who we are. Our suffering leads us to cause the suffering of others. At its most extreme, the ego leads us into narcissism.
Our sense of who we are will not be matched by how others see us. Two things we should not try to control are how others see us and how they see themselves. Winning approval is not a good motivation to do good things. In fact, I've learned to be extremely wary of those who most loudly proclaim their virtue - experience has shown that they usually have the most terrible dark side.
My intention isn't to preach. I'm far from perfect, and that's the point. In accepting and acknowledging our capacity for darkness, we take away much of its power. If we see fault in others while being unaware of our own, then we are helping no one. We can't really alleviate the suffering of others if we have not first dealt with our own.
