I just found out that someone I know has died, and I had to find out via Facebook. She's one of those people who don't fit neatly into a "friend", "acquaintance" or other category. Mostly, she would ask me about my cousin, because her and my cousin were best friends. The last time I saw her was outside the hospital, where I had an appointment. I can't even remember why I was there; it was a few years ago now. I remember her telling me that something was wrong, and that she was scared. To be honest, she wasn't someone I spoke to a lot, but that last conversation was something like a call I would have taken as a Samaritan. I don't know whether she was just scared, or she wanted to confide in someone and felt more comfortable with someone she didn't know so well, but I got to know her better in those few minutes than I had before. I feel guilty now that I didn't wait around for longer, because she made it clear that no one was there with her.
in the days when I drank more than was healthy, I saw her with some
friends. She looked miserable. "Nobody loves me," she said. "I do.",
I replied, heavily under the influence of alcohol. Her friends left us alone, not realising I had
meant it in a platonic way, and she sat staring at me, neither of us
knowing what to say. After a few minutes, she left too. For a while,
whenever I saw her, she would criticise everything I said and did. In truth, she was quite mean to me. I asked a mutual friend what I had done. "You didn't make a move," he said. I didn't understand. "You had a chance to make a move, and you didn't."
I don't know what else to say. People I know would probably think I'm not affected by things like this, or that I didn't know her well enough to be upset. What I heard from other people was how tough she was, but what I saw in my few interactions with her was her vulnerability; her humanity, I guess. That last time she spoke to me, she said that people had her all wrong, that they thought she was something she wasn't. I don't know about that, but I wish I had known her better.