Thursday, 7 April 2016

Thought for the day: a fundamental truth

She stood in front of me for a moment and, briefly, our eyes met.  I remembered how she'd said - wrongly - that I was controlling, manipulative and a narcissist.  I remembered how she hadn't so much closed the door on her friendship with me, as slammed it shut and nailed boards over it.  Looking at her, I knew that something was wrong.  There are times when I curse my ability to see how someone is feeling, and this was one of them.

The look in her eyes; other little signs in her facial expression; the almost imperceptible trembling of her hand; the gathering tears that she refused to let fall - I saw all of them.  She wasn't okay.  I didn't know what had made her feel that way: only that she felt it.  I wanted to ask her if she was okay, although I could clearly see she wasn't, and tell her that she could still talk to me, if she needed to, at any time.

I didn't say any of those things to her.  I held on to the memory of how little regard she'd had for my feelings, how she'd completely misunderstood my intentions, and how she might take any kindness from me as a sign of a weakness to be exposed and exploited.  I remained silent.  The moment had passed.  In an instant, she was gone.

If you ever hear me saying that I don't care, about anyone or anything, you're hearing a lie.  I care about everyone and everything, as much as I sometimes wish it weren't so.  It's a terrible burden, but it's who I am.

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