Amy

14th February 2021

There's an old saying that, if something seems too good to be true, it probably is. I'm really hoping that it doesn't apply to Amy. A message came in from her at four in the morning on Valentine's Day. She wanted to chat, and had forgotten about the time difference. The day before, she had introduced herself by asking if I minded that she was from China.

I certainly wasn't looking for another long distance relationship. If the flow of events determines that a long distance relationship is what I'll have, then I choose to accept a great love in less than great circumstances over the other way round.

I have to be aware of how I'm feeling at the moment. The year started with the unwelcome return of my depression, and I still haven't fully shaken it off. In truth, it really became a problem at the tail end of 2020. The thing is, when I think of all that has happened over the last few years, it's no surprise that the depression has returned.

Is Amy genuine? Time will tell, as she said herself. She followed it by saying a liar wouldn't have the patience to wait. Twice already, we have communicated through the internet for hours at a time. Although she apologises regularly for her poor English, I understand her just fine, and she understands me too. She did confess, however, that sometimes she has to use a translation application.

In amongst all of this, I sent a message to a friend. I sensed that she had gone cold on the idea of us meeting for a catch up, when it was safe to do so. What had changed was that I had been open about my relationship having come to an end. In truth, the message I sent was deliberately ambiguous. It said nothing about feelings I might have for her, because that would have been a lie, but I neglected to say I didn't have those feelings. The rest of the content could either lead her to think I did feel something towards her, or at least make her want to question it. In the end, she went with wrongly assuming I was attracted to her, and the way she responded angered me for a short while.

At this point, it's a friendship I wouldn't be sad to lose. The whole incident has also made me wary of how I interact with female friends. It seems that when a man is unattached, there are plenty of assumptions about what he might want or how he might behave. A distance that previously wasn't there has now opened up. I'm not proud of myself for testing a friendship in such a way, but I'd rather be aware of misunderstandings or assumptions that might bite me where it hurts later on.

It could turn out that Amy isn't genuine. That's always a possibility. Even so, I will have no regrets. At the moment, I desperately need a reason to keep hoping. Talking to her feels good. To be fair to her, she doesn't seem to want anything from me, except for us to get to know each other and see how it goes. So, to answer her question, I don't mind at all that she comes from China.